First Day Blues, For the Mama

I really never thought that dropping off Cash on his first day of preschool would be, by far, the hardest school drop off yet for me.  Go ahead and ask me how I am doing. If you were here with me, you wouldn't have to, you would  be able to tell by my red, blotchy eyes.

I have had anxiety and been worrying about this day since last year! The separation anxiety seems to have gotten worse, and I am embarrassed to say, but my separation anxiety from him is just as bad.  He is my baby.  I have been with him every single day for the last two years.  He has literally gone with me almost every where I have gone.  If I am going to the store, he wants to come.  To take out the trash, he is right there with me.  Run errands? Yep, he loves it, as  long as he is with me.  Since I have known that he was my baby, our last, I have treasured every single moment with this kid.  It is the first time that I have been able to truly enjoy every single step without having to worry about another baby. Eli and Owen were both big brothers by this time.  He has had so much of my attention.  He gets away with everything and pulls at my heartstrings. I love him so much, I never knew it would hurt this bad (and of course, I feel this way about all 3 of my boys!!).

So I made sure I had a friend to run with this morning to get out some nervous energy.  She had limited time this morning, so I dropped her off at her car after three miles and planned on just adding on another two miles, but I think in my head, I thought "If I just keep running, I don't have to face the day yet," so after 7 miles I realized I had to get back to the car and get home.  It was not until then that I realized just how much I was actually dreading today.

I got home and held it together until I got in the shower and I just started crying. I am actually still crying and I get to go pick him up in an hour!

Drop-off was hard.  He cried and grabbed on to me as tight as he possibly could.  I cried, a lot.  I got a call from the school that he was doing great, and engaging and having fun.  Even that made me want to cry.  I am not sure I am ready for all this change.  It was a big day for me. But it is also just a day.  I have taken two other kids to school for the first time, I have said teary good-byes, I have cleaned up the house and without a swirl of kids around me, and I have had a quiet house before and will remember how to enjoy it. I might even remember how to have lunch with friends.

I thought the third time around I would have the hang of things. Today was so hard.
But...I know this is a good thing.

Update: Cash had a good first day.  He was certainly ready to hop into my arms the minute he saw me, but nonetheless, we made it through!
Owen was also amazing today, was happy and independent walking into his classroom, putting all his stuff away and then went right to work!  The first thing he said to me when I picked him up was "I had an awesome time."  Does not get better than that!